I’ve been thinking and thinking about
what to share in a blog post this week about our adoption process.
We have recently had news that I was not at all anticipating and the emotional free fall has taken a few weeks to work through.
I mentioned in
this previous blog post that my hubby and I have been made aware of 2 kiddos who parental rights were terminated in November. It seemed like an adoption story that only the Lord could write. A client hired us to paint some furniture. That client happened to be an attorney. That client/attorney happened to see my blog that we were trying to adopt and knew of 2 kids whose parental rights were terminated that week. It sounded like an adoption story that was meant to be.
The only part in the story that we were unprepared for was that our family has been wanting to adopt a little girl under the age of 5....we never dreamed of a 2 year old girl
AND a 7 year old brother. The idea of taking in 2 kids was at first, a little daunting.
After the initial shock wore off, visions of life with 5 kids began to warrant permission for consideration in our hearts and minds. Over the course of a few days, the Lord really tore down the walls of our hearts about taking in 2 children. Our house can fit 2 more kids . Our vehicles can fit 2 more kids. Surely the Lord would sustain our energy levels and nerves and bank accounts and bio children, right? So, we decided to give permission for our home study to be considered for these kids and we asked to have the kids files emailed to us.
When we originally started this process, I niavely assumed that if we submitted our home study for a child/children and we were the only ones that did, that we would be selected to adopt them. That is not at all how it works. The state’s process is to “recruit” other families for the adoption process until they feel like they have enough families to "choose from". We learned that after recruiting for these kids, 12 families total had submitted their home studies for the children.
So, we knew our chances of adopting them were 1 in 12.
It took us 9 weeks to receive the kid's file from the time I first heard about them. I don't know why it took so long.
Why does EVERYTHING in the system take.so.stinking.long??? By the time I got their files, I could barely wait. I was at a client's home when the email came. And I forgot all about painting... I can tell you that. As I read the file....I read all about the 2 year old girl. And she sounded precious and precocious and busy and adorable!!!! But, it was the boy.....
the boy who resonated most in my spirit. Totally unexpected, I fell in love with the boy....just by his file.
A child's file includes information like names, birthday, physical/medical/mental information, current living situation, mom and dad’s situation, etc.
The boy sounded like a little grown up in a child's body. He sounded like my boys when they were 7....liking all things boyish. He sounded like someone who just needed to be allowed to play. And to be a kid. And to be wanted. And to be cherished. And within 5 minutes....I had already committed in my heart to mothering him.
We then asked for pictures of the kids. I couldn't wait to see pictures of these doll babies that I was hoping would be ours. 5 weeks went by and our social worker kept saying they had not received pictures from the photographer yet. So, 2 weeks ago, I called her again to check on the photos.
Instead of finding out about the photos, I found out
we were not chosen to attend the staffing meetings for the kids (“staffing
meetings” is the fancy term for the meeting where social workers, lawyers and
therapists interview 3-5 families and select the best suited family for the
adoption).
In other words….we are not getting the kids we had
prayed for for the last 3 months.
I wanted to blog 2 weeks ago, but I was instantly
hurled into a mourning process that I had never anticipated. I was shocked at how deeply I grieved for
kids whose faces I had never even seen. The
only thing my husband and I agree we can compare it to is that it feels just the
same as when we miscarried 2 times. When
the answer is abruptly and surprisingly “no”…..it takes awhile to untangle the
spectrum of emotions.
It wasn’t that we necessarily
"knew" we were going to be chosen for the kid’s forever family, it’s
just that we felt certain we would be interviewed in the staffing process. The bottom line is…..we were cut from the
team altogether when we at least thought
we would make the “B” team. I called our
social worker that morning to check on photos of the kids….I had no idea the
door to these 2 children would totally close that day.
If I wrote a blog post 2 weeks ago, I would have
told you that I wanted to hurt someone for bringing pain to my husband and kids. It was so hard to tell our 3 biological kids. They too had started to plan and process and
love these 2 kids in their hearts. It
was so hard to watch my husband mourn in his “I-am-saying-I-am-ok-and-yet-I-am-suspiciously-quiet-and-on-edge” sort of way. And just the same as when I miscarried, his emotions were wanting to "fix this", make it better, make ME better. And yet, there was nothing he could do.
If I wrote a blog post 2 weeks ago, I would have told you we should have never told our 3 bio kids so much about the process.
If I had wrote my blog post 2 weeks ago, I would
have told you how badly I dislike the foster care system in the US.
I would have told you I wished we had gone international.
I would have told you our social worker (whom I have never met) hates
me.
If I had wrote my blog post 2 weeks ago, I would
have told you that maybe the people who have said "perhaps we are meant to
adopt"…..are right. Clearly God is
shutting doors left and right for us.
I would have told you these 2 kids were stolen from
us.
I would have told you I can see why people quit this stupid, long, exhausting process.
And yet, I never felt like quitting.
And I will also tell you, it’s not over for us.
Over the course of the last 2 weeks, my heart has scabbed
over. The Lord has helped me to process many emotions. I’m no
longer crying at the mention of our adoption process.
I’m no longer sighing from the very depths of my soul every few minutes.
I am no longer freaking my
husband out. But I am wondering if I will always take a piece of these 2 faceless babies with me in my heart?
And I believe I will.
If you ask me today how I am feeling, I will tell
you I am aware of several tender mercies that the Lord has granted to me and my
family.
Perhaps it was best we didn’t see photos of the kids. The attorney told me they were blond haired
and blue eyed and would fit right in to our family. Having a face to put with a name and then
falling in love with those faces may have been more than we could bear if eventually the answer was "no".
Perhaps it’s best we didn’t get selected for the
staffing process only to NOT be selected for the final family for the
kids. As you move along in the process,
it’s just like moving along in a pregnancy.
You start to plan more and more.
You consider the cost of extra airplane tickets for your family vacation this
fall. You consider the cost of putting 5
kids thru college. You consider the sleeping
arrangements. You consider the process of
moving the kids from their current home into ours. You consider what we will need
for clothes, toys, etc. It’s a natural
progression in a woman’s heart…. just like when you are pregnant. Had we been selected to go to the staffing
process where we knew we were in the final 3 or final 4 or final 5
families….and then be told "no".....the sting would have been that much worse. I can honestly say now….thank you Jesus.
Perhaps these kids really weren’t a good fit for our
family. The social worker will not tell
us why we weren’t selected. A reason of
ANY kind would sure seem nicer. Maybe
the kids don’t need to be in a family with 3 bio kids. Perhaps they need a home with a pet. Maybe
they don’t like yellow front doors??????
I am sure I will never know why we weren't selected. At first I was just so upset with our social worker.....how could she not tell me???? While my flesh cries for a reason…..do we ever know why we miscarry
either? In my case, no.... we never did know. Some questions will just have to wait for
Heaven.
Perhaps the only role we were to have for these kids
was to lift them up in prayer. And we
did….over and over. Individually and as a family. My 3 precious biological babies prayed earnestly for these 2 kids by name that they will never know. And I am choosing to believe that was NOT in vain. We prayed for their
well being, their future, their emotions, the preparation of their hearts, their salvation.
If that was our only job….then what an honor that should be.
Perhaps our journey is also about writing our bio kid's stories. They have journeyed with us for 2 1/2 years. My husband and I determined early on to share our process with our kids, even at the risk of hurting their hearts too. They need to see and deal with grief and anger and sadness and disappointment and confusion in the safety of our own home…..because they will experience all of those emotions in their own lives. Hopefully they will be better, stronger, kinder people because of our journey. I am choosing to believe God will use this for their good too!
I can remember when I miscarried both times… suddenly EVERYONE ELSE was pregnant. Every single thing I saw at Target had to do
with babies. Every TV show had moms giving birth. It
felt like like salt in our wounds. Fast forward 6 years since my last miscarriage…..and
it seems EVERYONE ELSE has a great adoption story. Just this week I sold an item of furniture on
a swap and shop site. I had a total
stranger show up at my house to buy it.
And of course, as only God could have it, somehow the guy brings up in
conversation that he and his wife have adopted.
Of course you have…..
Then, just a day or 2 later…..I get a call for an
appointment with a new client. Can you
guess? Yep. Somehow it got brought up in conversation
that their family has recently adopted after 3 bio kiddos. Of course you have. LOL. I
just come to expect it now.
I am telling you people.....we.just.can’t.get.away.from.adoption.
If you ask me how I am feeling now at the end of
this blog post, I will tell you I am just so, so tired of wanting to adopt and it just not happening. I think part of my grieving in the past few
weeks was because it seemed like WE WERE FINALLY GETTING SOMEWHERE IN THIS
PROCESS...... but now we are back to the beginning.
And you know how you hear of alllllllll those
kids in foster care needing adopted? The latest number is that 104,000 are in the system in the US right now ready for adoption. The problem is the process. It's the system. It's the bureaucracy. It's the red tape. There are 104,000 kids in the system needing parents today....but we have not gotten a call on a single one of them. What is wrong with this picture? I will save those thoughts for another post.
For today…..this is all I can do. Cling to the husband I have. Love and appreciate the kids I have. Praise God in the storm. Believe Him for the best.
And hope for the best for those two precious kiddos who we had the honor of praying for 3
months.
For those of you walking this journey with us,
whether in person offering your arms for me to cry into, or thru the sweet
personal emails I receive….you bless me in ways you will never know. Thank you for not trying to make sense of this.
Thank you for not trying to rationalize it out loud in front of us. Thank you for just encouraging us and reminding us of the words the Lord has spoken over us. Thank you for not giving up on our heart's desire. Thank you for just hurting with us. For letting us just grieve and be authentic and real and
human.
I need you to know, I still believe in adoption.
I still believe that God is good.
I still believe that I will see the goodness of God
in the land of the living.
I still believe He is writing a beautiful story
over my family.
